Amplified Human Behaviors

There are some human behaviors that have transcended time.  Like greed, romantic love, among others.  We talk about forgiveness and forgetting that has biblical connotations, yet holding grudges is also a human behavior that not only transcends those eras, but seems to be more commonplace more than ever.

I tend to hold total strangers in higher regard than others.  There are some folks with whom I can be emotionally attached, but if a stranger behaves poorly, I just blow it off. I am neither disappointed nor surprised.  Friends or family, though, that is a different story.  They behave poorly, I am willing to cut them off immediately.  I know this is something that is hardly unique to me, but perhaps I feel like I've become more easily disappointed as years go on, but more willing to cut someone out because of poor behavior.

I know these attitudes are nothing new like the list of human behaviors I've listed above.  I feel as though things are more amplified in this day and age, because of the advent of social media tools, where we are more connected to each other than ever.

We hear about "deleting" or "unfollowing" people on different media, but the word substitution connotes the same idea: that we're cutting people out of our lives.  Sometimes it's warranted.  As an example, my husband interacted with a fellow who was disrespectful to me on several occasions.  I won't go into specifics, but it wasn't cool and at the end of the day, this person wasn't someone who my husband was emotionally invested with so it was an easy "delete." 

But what about the folks we do have an emotional investment in?  My networks have certainly expanded as a result of social media tools, but this also increases the number of people with whom I have an attachment.  This does not mean I have a gajillion more people I hang out, but there are generally more people I care about their wellbeing and what happens to them for sure.  That said, behaviors and perceived sleights are amplified.

Take for example, the "birthday."  There's no hidden meaning there, it's just the day of your birth.  It's one of the identifying characteristics we have on most of our social profiles, most notable Facebook.  And on the day of your birth, all your "friends," first degree or otherwise, come out of the woodwork to wish you well in your rotation around the sun!

How many of these people would send you a card, text, email or call you that day?  If you're anything like me, a majority of these folks you didn't even know till these outlets were mainstream.  But how many of us take an emotional inventory of those who did or did not wish you well in the upcoming year?  We all do it, and it may take a step in determining who stays or who goes in the cleansing process we then commence after our birthdays. 

This has happened to me recently.  I became friends with someone as met through a mutual friend in real life (and not virtually...though our "virtual" friendship came later on).  This was a person who spent a majority of her day on Facebook, yet would never answer her texts or calls at times.  It was very selective.  And though I had seen her a few days before my birthday last year (which was, I'll admit, simply a coincidence because she had moved away and normally she would not have been here), I did not get a birthday greeting on my wall.

Now, in the grand scheme of things, a birthday wish isn't the be-all end-all.   Sometimes there are circumstances outside of social media that may contribute.  On the flip side though when said "offender" has about a dozen updates during the day, they can find 20 seconds to send you a greeting.

That wasn't the only thing weighing in, but I took offense to that greatly.  Now, at the root of it, clearly my issues weren't only about the perceived birthday snub.  Yet, I feel like when someone deletes you with no reason or prior establishment, this is the ultimate diss, the biggest snub of them all.

I later found out through mutual friends that this person was going through a great deal and she was going through a very rough time.  I felt, then, that it was I who was being the petty one, the snubber, and felt very guilty about it.

Chances are, if social media did not exist, I may not have had that uncomfortable "reaching out" to do after I heard some terrible news about her family.

I've been on the receiving end, believe me.  I recently had a discussion with a friend of mine whom I lost touch with over the course of a year where I told her I refused to get involved in social media "wars" because I can be more effective arguing in person or providing a devil's advocate point of view outside of it.

As much good as social media has done in the past few years, it's also amplified a lot of harm and misunderstandings and infighting.  

A few years ago, a few of my girlfriends (or my guy friends' wives) started having babies.  As a rule of thumb, I started sending care packages of baby items -- onesies, wipes, diapers, butt paste -- fun and practical stuff for my friends' foray into parenthood.  Yet, ask me if I send them all birthday cards or individualized birthday greetings on Facebook, and probably my answer wouldn't always be 100% "yes." 

But I still send "thinking of you" gifts and think of real life as my litmus test for being a good person and my behavior on networks is an extension of who I am. Yet when we're more connected than ever, there's a layer of potentially overdoing it, under-doing things or even making grudges more evident.  Think about it: there is always that person whom you know you have to go the "extra mile" for, but there's always someone who will be okay with whatever you do.  This can happen in familial or friendship situations.

It happens in real life, but I think behaviors are amplified more with social media.

The Catch-22 of Self-Promotion

Catch-22: A logical paradox arising from a situation in which an individual needs something that can only be acquired with an action that will lead him to that very situation he is already in; therefore, the acquisition of this thing becomes logically impossible. Coined by Joseph Heller in book by same name.

Twenty years ago, if someone told you about this new contraption called the "world wide web" and that your business needed a website, chances are, you would have thought that person crazy and sent them packing. Today, we all know that if a business does NOT have a website, they are anything from bogus to out of touch to secretive...all recipes for disaster in creating a successful business model.

Add the term "social media" today, and you probably get the same looks.  I can't tell you how many people I discuss blogging and Twitter, among others, with business owners in this area, and they are shocked that they need to add yet another layer of marketing/communications to their business model.  There, in and of itself, lays many paradoxes in a successful business.

A business can create a Facebook "Fan" Page, which essentially gets followers, yet the number of followers one has doesn't necessarily mean that "quantity" is better than "quality."  If you create a fan page and have a huge hoopla behind it, then neglect it, chances are your clients or "fans" will lose interest and go someplace else for their info.  Same could be said for Twitter or other social media layers in promoting one's business or self. 

But then comes the Catch-22 of business.  I mean, at the end of day, all businesses are trying to promote ourselves and our business and what other products/services we are trying to sell.  But how do you try to sound like you're not trying to do all that?

Several blogs I know and follow are guilty of the shameless self-promotion.  I have a friend, as an example, whom I adore but his Twitter antics are legendary.  Generally, when he publishes a blog post, everyone and their brother/cousin/uncle gets a link to it.  It's legendary in that I find if I get notice that it's published, I tend to read it before he can "spam" with it.  Yet, it's something I think about -- we tend to do the same things for self-promotion just to get "page views."  But at the end of the day, is it really just a glorified pissing contest?  "I get more page views than you do."  Kind of silly, especially when we are not truly selling a product.

But then apply that to business.  I am on an email distribution for a social media "university" of sorts, and I decided to sign up for a webinar.  The course was scheduled for an hour and a half, and the first half hour I guess was the real "meat" of the deal.  However, they blew through the first half hour, then spent the next half hour promoting what THEY could do to help you.

Granted, I didn't pay for it, it was a free webinar.  So one could argue that you get what you pay for.  On the flip side, they just literally came off telling us that a tool like Twitter could be used for certain things, but not for "spamming" either links to the site, or sounding like a press release.  Which is exactly what they did after telling their listening audience NOT to!

No wonder so many people/business owners are reluctant to do a social media layer.  They wonder what's in it for them!

It's not that I didn't take anything away from it.  I mean, at the end of the day, we use social media for different purposes.  This could be for education, or following our favorite actors and actresses, getting updates from our favorite media outlets, and to converse with friends and family about common interests.  I often tell business people that you get what you put into Twitter, as an example.  If you find that Twitter isn't useful and that you're wasting time on it, chances are...you are!  But it's obviously the next layer of marketing that is essential in survival in business. 

Yet, building your own buzz is a Catch-22 in social media.  You have to follow several people, and make your mark by being accessible while answering and asking several questions in the field you are promoting yourselves in.  Learning and staying abreast of the newest technologies.  At the same time, you can't overtly "self-promote" like my friend can do.  Although the people he is respected in the community take it with a grain of salt, there are others who think that self-promoting is a turn-off. 

So which is it?  Can it be both ways?  If you're in social media for whatever reason, chances are you've hit the Catch-22 of self-promotion too.  It's a pain in the ass, but a necessary evil in today's technology.  Which is in and of itself, a Catch-22.

Oy.

Happy Holidays

It's no secret that we, as a society, for the most part, have been conditioned to act and speak politically correctly.  It's the typical way of the world now. Housewives have become "domestic engineers". Mailmen have become "letter carriers".  Etc., etc., etc. But what about when it comes to the holidays?

Growing up Catholic and attending Catholic grammar school, I really only knew about Catholic holidays.  I knew nothing about Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.  Heck, I didn't even know Jews celebrated Thanksgiving until I got to high school.  (Truth!)  And because there are so many different people and cultures celebrating different holidays and seasons, is it really so bad to take the safe route when you're not sure and just wish "Happy Holidays"?

I don't think using a general "Happy Holidays" greeting is about being politically correct or taking the religious aspect out of anything.  It's about "I don't know what you celebrate, but whatever it is, I hope it's a good one!"

Think about this.  If a Jewish person wished me a "Happy Hanukkah", I wouldn't be offended.  However, I would be like, "Well thanks, but I don't celebrate Hanukkah." That's the same way a Jewish person would react if I wished them a "Merry Christmas". No one holiday is better or more important than another and we shouldn't assume that someone else has the same beliefs or interests that we do.  As long as I keep the true meaning of Christmas alive with those who also celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, what's so wrong with me not saying "Merry Christmas" to someone whose beliefs I am unaware of?

I see no harm in being "politically correct" (for lack of a better term), but that doesn't mean I believe it's okay to forget about the true meaning of your respective holiday.  As a Christian, I need to keep Christ in Christmas.  As it is, Christmas has become so commercialized, with retailers starting earlier and earlier with their decorating and big sales.  And while I, too, am guilty of getting caught up in the Black Friday hype (which now begins late Thanksgiving night), as long as when the day comes I remember why it even exists, I haven't totally fallen victim to the typical ways of the world.

Pass The Beer Nuts

"Women...Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts!" - Norm Peterson, Cheers

Websites are devoted to the wisdom and wit of the character that was made famous by actor George Wendt.  Yet, I remember the first time I heard that quote about beer nuts and women, and I was confused.  Wasn't the saying supposed to be, "Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em!"  Norm's situation with his wife Vera was one of convenience it was evident on the show.  After all Vera worked for a living, and Norm was constantly between jobs and hung out at a bar all day (with a large tab at that).  It was Norm, really, who was probably difficult to live with.  

There might have been a kernel of truth with Norm's insight.  Understanding female relationships and complexities is something that television, pop culture, and psychologists have analyzed to many ends, often concluding with more open-ended questions. I've even tried to analyze here the battle that women wage with each other and themselves in an effort of understanding.  It seems as though the greatest mystery of the world isn't the Chicken or the Egg or the riddle of the Sphinx. 

No, it's understanding women.

Here's the thing: women are complex.  There's no one way we live our lives.  We rule by our emotions, and perhaps maybe make more decisions of the heart or by consensus, rather than cold, calculated moves.  Yet, when women are "cold and calculated," they are known as "ice queens."  When men are business-like and driven, they are just being "men." Having worked in fast-paced corporate environment, I've seen all those stereotypes in play, and I have to admit, I might be just as guilty stereotyping myself. 

I was reading an article on Forbes the other day about working women myths.  I had to laugh because while I've borne witness to most of these, fact is because women are so multifaceted -- we can be mothers, sisters, daughters, wives, caretakers, taskers, gatherers, etc -- that it's hard to pigeonhole us.

And boy, does that piss people off.   

Women can't show emotion at work because they will be classified as too high strung and therefore, are a breakdown away from going on long-term medical leave.  Yet, if they don't show emotion, they are trying too hard to be like men.  How can it be both ways? 

Business is treated as a boys club in some industries.  So women have to wear two hats: be one of the "boys" and still try to play peacemaker in whatever deal they are trying to work out.  I remember Samantha Jones in Sex and the City, when she was trying to broker a deal being the head of PR for a chain of hotels.  The man she had to pitch her business to suggested she work with someone else -- a man -- because he didn't think she could handle the work herself.  Later, he told her he wouldn't hire because she slept with his architect.  How did a woman's sex life get involved in a hiring decision?  When she told him if she were a man, they'd be celebrating over martinis.  After she stormed out, he hired her for admiring her "balls."  How about, not apologizing for herself and standing her ground because she knew she was best for the job?  Of course, this was all fictionalized, but you see my point.  It makes me wonder how many women might be turned down for pitched business because of their outside reputation.

Think about it: women are vilified when they are not flowery pieces of sunshine, being refreshed and wholesome when their husbands come home for the day.  Being a woman, I think that a male-dominated society will only be happy when we are back IN the kitchen, because then...they've figured us out! And by "they," I mean society.  Men aren't just hard on women, women are equally hard on our own gender, as I illustrated several months ago.  Hell, I went to an all-women's college and I'm still trying to figure us out! And by "us," I mean "me!"

You may get the idea that I'm some kind of angry female writer, but I'm really not.  I am very proud to be a woman.  I may write stuff to figure things out for me, but at the root of it all, I think it's great that women are complex creatures and have the ability to multitask and make decisions thoughtfully.  In fact, I attended a Women on Wall Street event where a woman who owned one of the first women-owned-and-operated trading exchange said, "The financial crisis in 2008 would not have happened if women were making the decisions."  I thought it was very telling that a woman in her late 70s would say that, especially one so close to the industry.  Just an example of something that I remember the difference in women and business. 

Fifty-plus years since the feminist revolution, it's still quite a radical notion that women can conduct business, be mothers, be wives, write about sports or music, operate a vehicle, cook meals, and the list can go on and on.  Norm Peterson may have preferred beer nuts to living with his wife. Perhaps he should have invited her to Cheers a few times and try to understand her.  But then again, she was too busy working, running the household and fixing her car to go out with him anyway.