Battle of the Sex

View from the Coop

If you ever watched the show Sex and the City or even Golden Girls, you would assume that all women have tight-knit relationships. Save the occasional "blow out," or even minor disagreement, you would assume that a woman's worst enemy was men, specifically those who have broken their hearts. In the end, the girls always had each other's back.

Then you read books like Odd Girl Out, specifically about the hidden aggression in girls (and subsequently women) and you know that usually the opposite happens. We hear about the "Battle of the Sexes" so often that we truly believe that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, when the reality is, we are all earthlings, so deal with it.

Men and women have their differences, of course. I just find it mind boggling that women have it out for each other. When I read Odd Girl Out several years ago, I cried because I had lived it. Turns out Dee did too. As kids we were bullied and picked on during school. There is a distinct difference between girls bullying and boys bullying. Girls are more emotional, they know how to get to you. As we get older, it becomes less trivial, but I find that women still have a way of "getting" to one another. It may not resort to physical nature, but boy it digs deep.

One of the biggest arguments we hear as adults about women and families. "Women should stay home with their children" or "women who work shouldn't have children or put their children in day care." Who the hell are people to judge other women's lifestyles and choices?

Dee's mom, whom I refer to affectionately as my "aunt," managed their household. My mother stayed home during my younger years, but was an exception to the rule in working her way up (with no college degree, by the way). She always worked close by, for sure, but even today, the unspoken in Corporate America is that many women take pay cuts or demotions when they leave to tend to their families or are punished for the so-called work/life balance.

Yet the backlash I think that occurs is that your children will be messed up or lacking in values if the mom doesn't stay home. On the other hand, I know plenty of kids where a parent may have stayed at home and are messed up too. There's no distinct formula.

Needless to say, Dee and I are both heavy into recreational drugs and complete degenerates of society. I kid, I kid. My point is, you can't judge other women's decisions for what is best for THEIR family. If you want to stay home to raise your family, good. If you want to work and balance that life, good too. It's a personal decision that should not be judged by anyone else. Nothing is gained from this behavior, especially when we are all trying to do the right things with our families.

I can't help but think this is some kind of competitive back from the days-of-the-cave where women were the gatherers, and they could only show how well their families were by the size of the buffalo carcass their cavemen brought home. It's all about status. And it pisses me off.

Even women who are experts in their respective fields have minor digs at other women, and their life choices. A common occurrence in today's world is that women will put off childbearing in order to be financially stable (and you know, have insurance, etc) household. A study came out about the stresses linked to this, and I don't doubt it. I mean, it's gotta be stressful at any time of your life, right? However, there are trappings in managing a household with dual incomes, and wanting to provide a comfortable lifestyle for your family as well.

So it's a balance, but I had to laugh when I read the following line in the article. Barbara Schneider, who is a sociology professor at Michigan State, poses a question about "why so many mothers work full time if that makes them more stressed and means less time to be with their children?" I guess my question is does it really matter?

Not for nothing, Schneider is just as guilty in making women specifically feel bad for working outside the home AND raising a family. Why isn't more being asked of the men in the household? Why aren't we asking more of a social responsibility of others and workplaces to make accommodations for working families (of course without putting out those who are single and don't have families).

And most importantly, why are women giving a damn about how other women handle their households? It's none of their freaking business!! Look, I'm married. I have two cats. That's the extent of my responsibility right now. I have good benefits, a retirement package and insurance. My husband...not so much. Chances are, we will both have to keep working if we choose to start a family with kids that don't have four legs and fur. And you know what? That's will be my freaking decision. And if one of us stays home, again it's a very personal decision that shouldn't be judged by other women, whatever their lifestyle choices lead them.

That's What Dee Said

I didn't realize how much Coop and I had in common until we did this piece together. Yes, we are both only children. Yes, we were both bullied in school. Yes, our moms stayed home to raise us for the majority of our childhood years. And while we may have many similarities, then and now, we have still grown up to be our own individual and unique person, different from each other as well. As mutual friend Fred "Solly" Solomon said to me yesterday, we each bring something different to the table. Which goes to show you that not everything we discuss in this piece will pertain to everyone reading it. There are exceptions to every rule, truly making life unpredictable and exciting. Our word is not law; it is simply honest observations based on experience.

I have met many women over the years who absolutely refuse to be friends with other women. Sure, they have female "acquaintances" and co-worker relationships. But when it comes to real, close, whole-hearted friends, they choose men over other women. Their reasons are simple; their intentions are not malicious. They feel women are too jealous and catty (and we can be at times) and don't want to be hurt. But if and when you find that true friend, you won't have to worry about those things. No one is saying you need to have tons of girl friends. I don't. I have two or three best friends and that's all I need. Besides, can men and women really be friends anyway? Isn't there always one party involved that ends up having feelings for the other that aren't felt in return?

Another gender battle takes place when it comes to our sexuality. I guess you can say this is literally a battle of the sex. Why is it that the more partners a male has, the more of a "stud" he is? But when it comes to women, we should remain wholesome and pure? Who said a man's needs are more important than a woman's? I don't think that's exactly equal rights, but no matter how far our society has come -- or how much men expect of the women they're just having a good time with -- they still want that "good girl" as their wife.

Then there is the single mom debate. Many women are now intentionally choosing to have children -- whether via adoption or biologically -- in order to fill the void in their life of not being a parent. I happen to be one of these women. Though I have not gone through the process and may not be financially ready to do so just yet, I agree with these women 100%. Just because they haven't found Mr. Right (or maybe don't want to), does that mean they should be deprived the opportunity to be a mother, a true gift in this life?

What works for one woman, may not work for another. But it's not for us to point fingers and judge anyone else. Too many times I've come into contact with people who were only my friend when they agreed with me. That's not how it works.

Hmmm, maybe it is best to only have male friends...

From the Coop again:

We are all guilty of it, judging others and forming an opinion, when we have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. And I think that women judging other women, harshly I might add, does not promote the ideals of feminism. And feminism was all about CHOICE.