Empowerment In the Meantime

First I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But I spent so many nights, thinking how you did me wrong. I grew strong. I learned how to carry on. - Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive

I may have sounded like a romantic cynic last week when I did my Valentine's Day piece, or more apt my anti-Valentine's Day piece. It couldn't be further from the truth: I not only believe that romance is still alive and well, but I also believe in true love. I found my true love when I least expected it. The difference between me and most romantic cynics is that I empowered myself to ask, believe and receive. And yes, if that sounds like The Secret mantra, then you would be correct in that assumption.

What I'm writing about today is that I have become concerned about the cynicism and sense of hopelessness from some of my sisters in the love department. And I'd like to empower them in this moment and say that love is out there for all of you, if you want it.

I was once not fully open. I had gotten out of a miserable seven year relationship where we stayed on autopilot for about half those years. I remember someone once saying that it's funny how long we put up with "just okay" because we are comfortable. But what was funny with me was that I knew I didn't love him; I was just okay with it because of what I knew about relationships. They were supposed to be functional; not fun or making yourself better. That's what I've learned about relationships: they are supposed to enhance YOU and not make you a bitter and angry person. That was what I was.

What was more was that after that relationship ended, I felt like I was open to other relationships that could better me, but I still fell into old habits. Former Oprah Winfrey consultant Iyanla Vanzant said that when she left Harpo Productions, and started her own talk show with another company, she said she had a history of falling into relationships with people who treated her badly. When she said that, I felt that connection very deeply. I have been a devout believer in manifesting my feelings, energy and my thoughts into reality. And yet, I fell into similar emotionally unavailable traps with intimate relationships, even friendships.

I dated a few people after that significant relationship ended and prior to me meeting my husband. There were two "biggies" that I refer to in helping my girlfriends out in their relationships that I use as parables and anecdotes to try to help them in knowing that true love is out there for them.

One was a guy who I had an on-and-off, and off-and-on, and on-and-off, then off for a little while, then on-and-off again till I basically met my husband. In his views, we were friends. But here's the thing: we weren't friends. Hell, I'm not even sure we liked each other as people. And yet, I stuck around because I was "in the meantime," as Iyanla would say. "In the meantime" is seen as the period between relationships to help women and men avoid repeating unproductive behaviors of the past.

Another significant person I dated I justified that he fit the "profile." He was smart, handsome, had a good job. He treated me well by taking me out and giving into my ideas for fun. Of course, the story goes when I started to "pressure" him into a more "real" relationship, he shut down. See, when it was all fun and games, the relationship was worth being in. He used the excuse that he was going through a divorce, and yet I lied to myself and went against every single girl's bible He's Just Not That Into You excuses: he'll change and see I'm the one for him. Yet, even when I saw his true colors -- shallow, insecure and disrespectful -- I still made excuses? And you know why? Because I wasn't sure when love was going to knock on my door. That was how desperate I was for love.

Even when he disappeared, returned, and tried to get back in my good graces, I was angry. PISSED OFF. And I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. I remember talking to my friend about it over drinks. Then I smiled to myself, and she asked, "What is it?" I said, "Wow, I realized just how desperate I just sounded." After that, I stopped. I even had lost a few friends in the meantime, but they were mostly toxic relationships or relationships that neither of us really had to offer one another. So my question is: why do we stay in these relationships for too long? Iyanla says it keeps us occupied. It gives us drama. But drama begats drama. And sometimes, the drama simply isn't worth it.

And it's when you least expect it, when you get rid of toxic relationships all around you, be it friendship or love, you will open yourself to being in the relationships you deserve to be in.

So when I see my girlfriends repeating these bad behaviors for themselves, and excusing bad behaviors of others for their own purposes, it makes me so sad. Because I know these fabulous women deserve better for themselves and should be using these lessons as empowerment in life. Once you empower yourself in romance, you will open yourself up to the life you deserve and crave.

So what will it be? Drama? Or happiness? Empower yourself today!

All I Really Need To Know I Learned...on Facebook

Several movements are born of simplicity. Take for instance, The Secret, a book based on the timeless advice and sage wisdom of the Law of Attraction. Essentially, what you give is what you get. Advice books such Chicken Soup for the Soul and All I Really Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarden really hit the whole "K-I-S-S" principle home (Keep It Simple, Stupid) in the business of self-improvement.

Facebook is neither an advice book nor self-improvement manual (discuss!), but it is a growing phenomenon that everyone is "doing." In the '70s, people were "ESTing." Perhaps you had a Tony Robbins cassette tape in your boom box in the '80s. You get my drift, I'm sure. If there's a mob mentality for something, you can talk in colloquialisms and everyone will get what you mean. The terms "Friending" and "Delete" and "Posts" are so commonplace, that even the rare bird who doesn't have a Facebook account (like my mom) will understand what you mean.

Yet one that resonated with me on life lessons was the whole All I Really Need To Know idea. When we were in kindergarden, life was so uncomplicated. We understood the value of a good nap and playtime, tapping into our creativity and taking a snack break (especially on someone's birthday, when their mom would make cupcakes for the classroom).

Facebook is a great social experiment for sure, and human behavior qualities really are amplified in this setting. It goes without saying (so I'll say it anyway) that individuals act much different in social settings, or conversely, their "real" behavior is amplified.

So I figured, what am I learning from Facebook that I haven't already learned in my 30+ years of breathing in oxygen, while exhaling carbon dioxide? Actually, nothing I haven't already figured out myself in the "real" world. So in essence, everything I need to know about human nature, I learned by living, but it's also validated on Facebook.

All I Really Need To Know I Learned on Facebook insights:

• Crowd Mentality is a Persuasive Tool

In my freshman year in college, I took two classes: one on sociology and the other on political change and revolution. The two subjects are not entirely different, as both are driven largely by social behavior. In the 1960s, college campuses around the country took part in what was labeled the "counterculture" and started grassroots campaigns to drive social change. That's essentially what Facebook is, but on a virtual and electronic level.

Dee and I are baseball chicks, as an example. We met for our shared interests (namely, our common team) and managed to respect each others opinions on said team while appreciating the differences or even when we've agreed.

Others...not so much. Someone says "My team sucks!" and normally one won't disagree as to not disrupt the balance. Then you try to reason with people, but they are not reasonable people. Hell, they are not even LOGICAL! Generally if people are logical, you can understand that one cannot reason with them, but these are neither that, this or the other.

This can cause fights, strife and competition within the little virtual world you've created. In fact, I've called some "fights" on Facebook (which are truly silly and ridiculous...all you can do is point and laugh at some folks at how seriously they take themselves) political -- it's like liberals and conservatives fighting across the aisle in Congress. Then by the power of persuasion, people will side with one group, and others flock to the other side.

It's human nature, really.

• A Hoarder is a Hoarder is a Hoarder

There is a show on the A&E channel called "Hoarders." I've actually never seen an episode but we all know someone, probably close to us, who could be labeled as such. My grandmother, bless her heart, had a little problem with the Shop Rite can-can sale that was legendary in my family. She'd go out and by like 5 cases of creamed corn. Why? "Because you nevah know when you might need creamed corn."

Well, maybe she had a point, but she'd end up stockpiling enough stuff in her basement to have Cher and cockroaches survive through nuclear holocaust. My point is, there is a LOT of hoarder mentality in Facebook. Like "How many friends do YOU have?" or "How many followers does your 'fan page' have?" Which is another ridiculous item that goes in line with my first point about "crowd mentality." (and yes, please "like" our fan page when you have a chance)

Dee and I go through regular Facebook "cleanses." I think that at one point I had about 500 "friends" on Facebook but I rarely interacted with more than maybe 1/5, potentially 1/4 of the total population. Did I really need to be "friends" with every single person who shared the love of my favorite baseball team, or someone who met me through a "mutual friend?" It depends. Some people want me to play "Mafia Wars" or "FarmVille" with them. Nah, no thanks. Others want to meet up in cities where my team plays or follows/likes my writing. Most of the time, I interact with these people on a face-to-face level. I decided that I had to pare my list because I realized another point below that it's "quality and not quantity" when it comes to one's existence on Facebook.

• Blood Is Thicker Than Water...I Guess
  

This can apply to people you work with or for family. My point is, whoever said you should keep you personal life separate from your professional life was dead on. You can potentially add family to that mix.

It's a cliche to say "You are unique...just like everyone else," but everyone has some kind of homogeneous quality that adheres them to a certain social group. We are however connected to family due to blood lines, and to work folks by a certain umbrella. Either way, my feeling is that on Facebook we are the closest version to our purest selves. Therefore, if you are a vampira blood sucker who shoots boar for sport, chances are you don't want your family or coworkers to know about it. Or maybe you do? Who knows? My point is, there's always a face you present on certain forums. Chances are, you may want to limit your coworkers to exposure on LinkedIn, and your blood sucking vampira club to IWantToSuckYourBlood.com. Not that I would know anything about that. Moving right along...

• It's Quality not Quantity

I have a tight circle of friends, some interact with each other, some do not. That's cool. Most of the time, I have a few people I hang out with regularly, others may live out of the state or not as close as I would like them to, most of all, I know I have great people in my life in small quantities.

That's why I don't understand certain people with thousands of people in their network. Unless they are modestly famous (as a "for instance," I am a big fan of the show RuPaul's Drag Race on LOGO Network, and I am friends with one of the contestants on there - maxed out at 5,000+ friends), I wonder how people can interact or keep track of how many people are in their network. I have found it gives me personally a headache.

That's just my personality, and I know all folks are different. That's what makes the world go 'round and what makes Facebook go 'round, I suppose. However, the motto "It's Quality and not Quantity" would not exist if not for people like me or Dee and countless others I'm sure. To each their own, I suppose which leads me to...

• To Each Their Own

As I said earlier, differences make the world go 'round. Yet, people ridicule each other for differences of opinion, the way they look, even personal beliefs. I think that's a lot of crap. I have my beliefs, social and political views, and I expect you to respect mine, and in turn, I respect yours even if I disagree. Just don't cram your belief system, whatever that may be, down my throat! I consider myself educated enough that I have made informed decisions and that one wouldn't think I was ignorant.

I may disagree with you from time to time, but it doesn't mean I don't respect you. I may even admire you. However, I've had people delete me for really childish reasons. But to each their own. If I was that disposable, chances are they weren't as "close" as I thought they were anyway.

• People Are Easily Amused

I attended a social media event a few months ago, and a technology expert was a keynote speaker to the extent that there was a moderator, and he answered questions honestly. One of the questions asked was about why videos go viral (as an example, but you can apply that to any social medium).

I never watched an episode of American Idol, but I know all about William Hung and that Pants-on-the-ground dude. A guy on Twitter tweeted "Seriously, dude, what the hell is Myrrh?" and it gets a million retweets. Trust me, you had to be there (I'm still laughing about that one) And don't get me started on the YouTube sensation, Antoine Dotson. Think about how slang terms take over the vernacular.

My point is -- it doesn't take much to make us laugh as a society. We may have different types of humor, but the fact is, we all gravitate towards something that makes us laugh together as a community.

Laughter, and love, do indeed make the world go 'round!

• Selling the Drama

On the flip side, Facebook is a breeding ground for drama. Some days, I swear, its activity could rival The Young and the Restless. Perhaps in the Facebook community, we could call it All My Friends or One LIKE to Live or better yet...The Days of our Lives. After all, like the sands of time, drama will permeate any atmosphere, like it or not.

Conversely, drama makes the world go backwards. Yet, some people thrive on it, and that's their journey. In my estimation, though, they are not highly evolved. Go figure.

• Do unto others...
  

I am a spiritual but not religious person. I know in this life, I have to look out for me, but the universe is much bigger than anything I am ever a part of. I have respect for all living things, human, animal, plant. However, what I do believe is transcendent is energy. Perhaps Dave Barry said it best when he said, "A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is NOT a nice person."

That is a great saying and it carries so much on so many levels. If you dislike someone on Facebook, and you don't know them personally, just hit the delete button. Simple as that. If you know someone personally and they piss you off, talk to them. Chances are, this person might not be as nice to the waiter or to you as you may think.

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Did I really need Facebook to teach me these lessons? Not really. I consider myself an observer, a voyeur, of human nature, and I could have figured out these bullet points on my own just by observing folks at a local Starbucks, office setting, or even in a public park. We probably see it even in ourselves.

Facebook has made the individual and the collective more powerful than ever, with access to all this human capital. Most of all, it has made the world closer than ever. With great power comes great responsibility. Just keep that iota of information in mind when you are on Facebook next. And take to heart the life lessons we learn each day by logging in.

Take care of yourselves. And each other.

Relationships Resolutions

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there lived a girl named Coop, who was a self-proclaimed workaholic. At the time, it was a proud title she wore. She figured it was a product of her strong blue-collar work ethic, although she had worked in a decidedly white-collar world. As a result of her ambitions, she worked long hours, but relationships around her started to suffer. She and her long-term boyfriend had broken up -- for the better of course -- but friendships also were strained because they didn't understand how someone could be so devoted to a job that not only sucked the life out of her, but that could be so demanding but hold it over her head that it could be gone like *that* (snap your fingers to get the full effect).

Then the ground beneath her started to quake. In the midst of a poor economy, she lost her job -- the very thing that she felt defined who she was: a successful, urbanite independent woman. However, she took the high road, and started to follow some passions of her own. In those months, she discovered a knack for networking with people who could ultimately have her find her passion and not just a "job," found some contracting work, fell in love with a dog who changed her life, fell in love with a man who committed to her for life, spent more time with family, and developed strong relationships that may or may not have occurred had she remained blinded to just one end goal: validation at work or in her eyes, "success."

I realized one thing was important: family and friendship, and subsequently, those friends who become family. Work could wait. I have my whole life to do that.

When the clock goes from 11:59 pm on December 31st to 12:00 am on January 1st, many of you will commit to change. That could be joining a gym, counting points on Weight Watchers, taking classes, ultimately changing yourself to become a better person.

Dee and I have talked ad nauseum about relationships, virtual, real-life, or those which are virtual that become real-life. However the operative term is relationships, and if you're human, you thrive on them whether you don't think you do. We are social creatures, bound together by shared interests, ideologies, and even our differences to an extent.

The Wall Street Journal Online had an article today on how great relationships should be a resolution for anyone in 2011, whether to create new relationships, better existing ones or giving up selfish behavior in relationships to strengthen common bonds.

Back in 2007, I was a lot like these people. I tended to think poorly of myself, I surrounded myself with negative thinkers, and negativity begats negativity, I don't imagine I was much fun to hang out with. That was kind of the first little earthquake in my life, when a seven-year relationship fell apart, but again, it was for best, now that I look at it. I was at an incredible low part in my life. Yes, my career was still intact, but I had a great void. Most of my relationships were long-distance as friends were married, had children, or lived several states away. Even my family was about two hours driving distance, and it was hard for us to get together.

However, at the time I needed something to ground me, and I found a book, controversial as it was at the time, The Secret. I took to heart the chapters on the power of positive thinking and that your thoughts manifest themselves into the now. So my negativity indeed begat negativity, and I started to do more things to make me happy, thus making me a sunnier person, thus attracting more of that element. It's funny, but the dang thing worked. I started to socialize more, and even though I was still very goal and career-oriented, many of my new circles were parts of my hobbies (such as following my favorite baseball team), music (enabling me to go to more concerts and discovering new bands) and even things I didn't know I liked (such as new television shows, which I never watched much of in the past).

My point is, many of the people profiled in the article have people who love them for them, and they have character flaws that can be tough to deal with. Whether they choose to read The Secret or get involved in their faith or find something outside of themselves that can make them happy, then perhaps that positive energy can manifest into compromise in these relationships.

Relationships are about compromise. But as Carrie Bradshaw famously said in Sex and the City, if you can love someone who loves the version of you you love, then that's just fabulous.

But be sure to give some of that sugar back to the other party.

When you want to better yourself, you should definitely do it for you, but also keep in mind that there are people who love you for being you, and become a better person for that inspiration.

Here are some ways to engage that behavior...

Reach out to that person you think you click with. Who knows? You might just start a blog with them...

Don't sweat the small stuff. I hate that cliched term, but it does ring true in most if not all instances. I had a friend once upon a time who said when the going got particularly tough, that if he was still breathing, it couldn't be all that bad, now could it?

Life is a two-way street. You give, you get. It's all good.

Be ballsy. Shyness is not an option. Reach out to that neighbor you hold the door for. You might have something in common with him or her. One of the stories that stood out in that WSJ article was about the next door neighbors who would speak occasionally but it was a surface relationship, only to find they had more in common than just their address. You never know what is out there unless you open your heart.

Go ahead, honey! Take that chance!! Remember that old song from Girl Scouts?

Make new friends But keep the old One is silver And the other, gold

This will probably be my last post on CoopDeeVille for 2010, so I will see y'all next year.

PEACE BE WITH YOU!