Buck Tradition

I was talking about the holiday season experience from when I was a kid the other day.  I always felt they were a little "forced," especially from my mother who would go overboard with the commercial aspect of things (I was an only child, so whatever).  We'd have a big Christmas tree, but I always remembered dreading Christmas Eve.  The reason being was that my dad used the holidays as an excuse to drink into oblivion. 

Of course, I thought this was the case when I got older, but my parents had split up by the time I was a teenager.  Yet, my mother still went a little on the Martha Stewart-contrived side.  I grew up with a devout Roman Catholic family, yet the holidays were kinda like meh.  Mom always went out of her way to decorate, but she couldn't care less about having people over or anything like that.  Grandma kinda did it to keep the kids entertained, but I don't think she derived any joy from it. 

It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I found out that my grandfather (my mom's dad) attempted suicide right around Thanksgiving when my mother was almost five.  My mom was separated from her family while my grandfather recovered, and she always kind of felt like she had to overdo it for me.  I guess it made sense.

You'd think we'd have had some special memories, since it was just her and me for a long time.  However, I don't.  We are not close.  It takes a lot for me to admit that.  We just aren't.  She's also been in a long term relationship with a man who has a huge family (nieces and nephews), and his family has a big tradition.  Mom still decorates, but mostly, it's for show.  She feels like she has to.

This could be the second year in a row that my husband and I may not visit my family for Christmas Day.  And that's okay.  We do our own thing.  What's more, is that I have not seen my family for several years going for Thanksgiving either.  It's not that they are far.  It's just that my husband and I do our own thing for it.  Traveling five hours total when everyone else is, on a day off, to spend four maybe five hours tops only to come back isn't that attractive to me.  Plus, my husband has to work the day after the holiday.  It makes sense for us to stay close. 

When I worked on Wall Street, I was in a relationship most of those years.  Some of the years, I had the day off Friday.  Some of them, I had to work (albeit remotely).  The markets don't close, so financially related businesses usually have to operate.  We would usually do our thing with his family, and it was fun.  After we split, I used to do something with my cousin when I had to work the day after. 

Truth be told, I miss those days.  He made the bird, I made the sides, and we had a shitload of leftovers.  Then he moved away, and I moved to the city.  Then I got married.

I've run the gamut of being nonchalant about the holiday season, to really looking forward to it.  Mostly, because my husband and I are nontraditional, so we have a nontraditional tradition  And that's the way I like it.

So my coblogger and I were talking about what our families do during the holiday season, especially with Thanksgiving and the idea of Black Friday.  I didn't really understand what the big deal is if she goes shopping with her mother at the late sales.  She's far from the only person who does it, of course. I worked in markets.  Trust me, if they didn't make money, they wouldn't be open. 

I started thinking, though, about stupid little traditions that my husband and I have done. We are child-free, and plan to stay that way for a long time. Our families are not close by (his relocated to Puerto Rico years ago, and we'd have to travel several hours on a holiday to see mine, when he has to work early the next day).  This is what we do.  We wake up early to go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (we see it from the staging area where not many people are, believe it or not).  We watch movies afterwards.  Then we go to our favorite Cajun restaurant, where our favorite bartender (whose family is in Missouri) works.  We've sort of adopted each other. 

That, to me, is family.   That, to me, is tradition.  Keep in mind, there are no instruction manuals on how to have a Thanksgiving dinner.  Heck, I think that went out the window there was a vegetarian family celebrating here.  Here's an idea: make your own tradition.  And buck others.

One year, my mom and her boyfriend spent a few days in Florida to celebrate Christmas with his family.  I didn't go with them, so I tried to volunteer at a shelter.  I was turned away.  I guess some people wanted to get some charity points around the holidays.  I never knew that volunteers could be turned away simply because there were too many.  So I went to my dad's event, where he played Christmas carols and other goodies on his guitar at a senior assisted living center.  Then I went home and ate brownies, because I had given up sex for desserts (true story, just like Miranda on Sex & The City). This was also the year after a bad breakup. 

I often say you can't choose who you are related to, but you can choose your family.  I think in this day and age, if a mother and daughter would like to go shopping and look forward to hot chocolate after spending the day indoors together, so what?  My aunt stopped hosting Thanksgiving years ago, after my uncle passed away.  She and another aunt alternate it now.  I have relatives who live overseas and Skype during these hours so they can have at least the feeling of being home.

If someone is concerned about how others are celebrating the holidays, here's an idea.  Go to your local shelter, and see how families with next to nothing are making do...of course, if you are not turned away.  Help an unfortunate family make memories of their own.  Or stay with your family, if that's what matters to you.  Or go visit your favorite bartender because he lives thousands of miles from his family here.  Whatever it is, do what makes you happy. 

My Own Personal Festivus

I was never a huge Seinfeld fan.  In fact, any time it's on, I kind of roll my eyes, because everyone in my family was a big fan.  Including my husband, whom I clearly never met until the show was long off the air.

I can't deny its impact on pop culture though.  There are several lines that I can identify when people say them.  I don't think most of them are that funny, but I do know them.

One idea I can get behind from that show was Festivus - it was coined by the character played by Jerry Stiller (Mr. Costanza), who claimed he created the holiday as a secular celebration for "the rest of us."  The date occurred two days before the actual date of when Christmas is celebrated.  Yet, a large part of the "celebration" has to air the grievances of others.

Now, I get the idea that airing your grievances of past wrongs during a year sounds funny on paper, but airing your grievances to your family and friends?  What's the point in that?  Wouldn't a more productive thing to do be to tell your family and friends and loved ones how much they've meant to you, or how much they've helped you in the year?

I suppose for television though, it wouldn't be very funny to be all sappy and touchy-feely. 

But then I started to think about myself.  And the whole idea that when you point out someone's wrongs, that two fingers point back at you. 

I doubt there has been another year that I have been more disappointed in myself than in 2012.  And as I celebrated my something-th birthday yesterday, I figure I can do my own personal Festivus - my airing of grievances...on myself.

1) I watch entirely too much television.  And I don't even like much of what's on TV!  My husband is a Walking Dead fan, and I mostly just watch it to make fun of the stupid people on there.  Desperate Housewives was the only show I watched regularly, and that jumped the shark a long time ago, and went off the air several months ago.  That said, when we moved over the summer, we invested in FiOS, which gave us some free premium channels.  How many movies have I watched in lieu of reading books and/or writing?

2) I don't write enough.  I don't read enough.  See above.  When I had more free time and started working from home, I really thought - Wow!  I'll have time to sit down and write.  I didn't make time.  And then I start to look at either as a chore.  I wonder if burn out might have something to do with it.

3)  I hate that I let the marathon training rule my life for a better part of a year.  A marathon, by the way, that never happened. 

4) I'm not grateful enough.  My friend Shelley often tells me to "Look at what you DO have."  Of course, I look at what I really do have...and that's a whole lotta nothin'.  I had to leave my great apartment that I lived in for 3 1/2 years to downsize because I lost my job in 2011.  I resent where I live.  You see though? I have a roof over my head.  I should be grateful for that, no?  Of course, I'm not.  I come home to a place I resent most days.  That needs to change.

5)  I'm not a good multitasker.  See #3 above, where I let a marathon training rule my life for the better part of a year.  NEVER.  AGAIN.

6)  I should learn that I can't trust myself to get up without an alarm.  Otherwise I'd sleep till 10 am every day.  Although I work for myself, that's acceptable, sometimes.  But it's not a good habit otherwise.

7)  I hate that I'm in denial about being a businesswoman.  Yes, I go out and make an attempt at creating lives with people.  But the fact that I'm accountable to myself...I'm not really good at that yet.

8) I hate that I'm older, and I have nothing to show for it.  This needs to change, by being more grateful for what I do have. 

I realized that a lot of what I have in life and what I want in life is attainable just by being more grateful.  I try to be, but sometimes it's tough when a few things don't go my way.

I think at the end of the day, Frank Costanza might have had something when he came up with Festivus for the rest of us.  Instead of overcommercializing a season that just so happens to coincide with a time of the year things will start flying off the shelves, but airing with grievances to others isn't a nice thing to do.  I feel like what I've learned in business this year is that the only thing that can happen at the end of the day is accountability to yourself.  That's what airing of grievances with yourself is about right?  Being accountable, keeping yourself in check?

I hope so.  Otherwise, I just wasted a lot of time.