Of course, I thought this was the case when I got older, but my parents had split up by the time I was a teenager. Yet, my mother still went a little on the Martha Stewart-contrived side. I grew up with a devout Roman Catholic family, yet the holidays were kinda like meh. Mom always went out of her way to decorate, but she couldn't care less about having people over or anything like that. Grandma kinda did it to keep the kids entertained, but I don't think she derived any joy from it.
It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I found out that my grandfather (my mom's dad) attempted suicide right around Thanksgiving when my mother was almost five. My mom was separated from her family while my grandfather recovered, and she always kind of felt like she had to overdo it for me. I guess it made sense.
You'd think we'd have had some special memories, since it was just her and me for a long time. However, I don't. We are not close. It takes a lot for me to admit that. We just aren't. She's also been in a long term relationship with a man who has a huge family (nieces and nephews), and his family has a big tradition. Mom still decorates, but mostly, it's for show. She feels like she has to.
This could be the second year in a row that my husband and I may not visit my family for Christmas Day. And that's okay. We do our own thing. What's more, is that I have not seen my family for several years going for Thanksgiving either. It's not that they are far. It's just that my husband and I do our own thing for it. Traveling five hours total when everyone else is, on a day off, to spend four maybe five hours tops only to come back isn't that attractive to me. Plus, my husband has to work the day after the holiday. It makes sense for us to stay close.
When I worked on Wall Street, I was in a relationship most of those years. Some of the years, I had the day off Friday. Some of them, I had to work (albeit remotely). The markets don't close, so financially related businesses usually have to operate. We would usually do our thing with his family, and it was fun. After we split, I used to do something with my cousin when I had to work the day after.
Truth be told, I miss those days. He made the bird, I made the sides, and we had a shitload of leftovers. Then he moved away, and I moved to the city. Then I got married.
I've run the gamut of being nonchalant about the holiday season, to really looking forward to it. Mostly, because my husband and I are nontraditional, so we have a nontraditional tradition And that's the way I like it.
So my coblogger and I were talking about what our families do during the holiday season, especially with Thanksgiving and the idea of Black Friday. I didn't really understand what the big deal is if she goes shopping with her mother at the late sales. She's far from the only person who does it, of course. I worked in markets. Trust me, if they didn't make money, they wouldn't be open.
I started thinking, though, about stupid little traditions that my husband and I have done. We are child-free, and plan to stay that way for a long time. Our families are not close by (his relocated to Puerto Rico years ago, and we'd have to travel several hours on a holiday to see mine, when he has to work early the next day). This is what we do. We wake up early to go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (we see it from the staging area where not many people are, believe it or not). We watch movies afterwards. Then we go to our favorite Cajun restaurant, where our favorite bartender (whose family is in Missouri) works. We've sort of adopted each other.
That, to me, is family. That, to me, is tradition. Keep in mind, there are no instruction manuals on how to have a Thanksgiving dinner. Heck, I think that went out the window there was a vegetarian family celebrating here. Here's an idea: make your own tradition. And buck others.
One year, my mom and her boyfriend spent a few days in Florida to celebrate Christmas with his family. I didn't go with them, so I tried to volunteer at a shelter. I was turned away. I guess some people wanted to get some charity points around the holidays. I never knew that volunteers could be turned away simply because there were too many. So I went to my dad's event, where he played Christmas carols and other goodies on his guitar at a senior assisted living center. Then I went home and ate brownies, because I had given up sex for desserts (true story, just like Miranda on Sex & The City). This was also the year after a bad breakup.
I often say you can't choose who you are related to, but you can choose your family. I think in this day and age, if a mother and daughter would like to go shopping and look forward to hot chocolate after spending the day indoors together, so what? My aunt stopped hosting Thanksgiving years ago, after my uncle passed away. She and another aunt alternate it now. I have relatives who live overseas and Skype during these hours so they can have at least the feeling of being home.
If someone is concerned about how others are celebrating the holidays, here's an idea. Go to your local shelter, and see how families with next to nothing are making do...of course, if you are not turned away. Help an unfortunate family make memories of their own. Or stay with your family, if that's what matters to you. Or go visit your favorite bartender because he lives thousands of miles from his family here. Whatever it is, do what makes you happy.
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