Great Expectations

What is YOUR expectation level?

That's a question that's asked a lot of in the workplace. What is your expectation for this project? What is your expectation level for the team? What is your expectation level for yourself? Setting expectation levels are big in the corporate world.

As it is in relationships. Whether platonic, same-sex, romantic, workplace, or "beneficial" friends (you know to which I am referring), everyone has their own expectations set for what they want from each other. It's not exploitation or usage, as that may have sounded. In fact, if you don't set an expectation level with yourself in mutually beneficial relationships (not those kinds of "benefits" mind you), then your relationships on any level may suffer.

And of course, this is going to discuss what expectations we have set for platonic relationships. The age-old argument has been set to ask or rather tell that men and women simply cannot be friends. And you get differing opinions, on any end of the spectrum. Even in the movie When Harry Met Sally, the character Harry Burns argues with Sally Albright that the sex part gets in the way for platonic relationships to truly exist, only to change his mind ten years later and become friends with the woman he tried to get it on with earlier. Of course, in Hollywood it's never that simple as they become not only romantically involved but end up falling in love by the end of the film.

And as in Hollywood making those endings so simple and light, I think in the real world we might get caught up in those black-and-white-no-in-between statements because that's what we've been shown. See, I studied Shakespeare in college (who didn't?), but one of the ongoing themes in Shakespearean comedies especially is that everyone ended up together who you thought would end up together. Take Midsummer Night's Dream, where the faeries decide to mess with fate...then they switch their faerie dust around and everyone lives happily ever after. Now, I'm not saying that happily ever after doesn't exist...but it takes some setting of expectations from everyone involved.

Now, those of you who know me in real life must be shocked that I used a Shakespearean reference since I am not that big of a fan (I consider him the Stephen King of his day...and well, ask me about what I think of King...), but I will quote my "Shakespeare" and use a reference from Sex & The City to illustrate my point about relationships.

See, when Charlotte meets her soon-to-be-betrothed Trey in what she decides is a fateful moment, Miranda (the "cynical" one) tells her in the oft-quoted line, "Men are like cabs, when their available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide their ready to settle down, have babies, whatever, and they turn their light on. Next woman they pickup, boom, that's the one they'll marry. It's not fate, it's dumb luck." They go on to argue about luck, fate or whatever, to which Miranda succinctly suggests you have to get them (meaning "men") when their lights are on.

Many women can relate to this in romantic relationships. Especially those who may have been on the dating scene for a long time and may have trouble finding a man to settle down with. But it's more than - a lot of it is biology. It's been proven biologically that women are nurturing and can connect emotionally to men, and that can prove volatile if you are looking for something romantic and he is not. Not that men can't be nurturing (both my parents were equally as helpful when I would go through my kid illnesses), but most of us females have had experience where we think we can "read" them, but realistically it's not gonna happen.

One of my guy friends was seeing a woman, he was recently divorced and they knew each other a long time before connecting romantically. When I talked to her, she talked about how she was understanding, that she wanted to give him space. When I talked to him, he claimed that he liked the companionship but that it was smothering. Plus, as he liked to say, "She knows" I'm not into a "serious relationship." So I said, "Well, honey, that's all well and good that you've let yourself off the hook for hurting her feelings down the line...but you do know she's connecting with you emotionally and once that happens, she's going to be hurt when you decide you are bored." So he actually ended it shortly after.

Not because of what I said, but because he realized that he didn't want to string her along while he wasn't into a serious relationship. Of course, I could break out the single girl's bible of He's Just Not That Into You, when a guy tells you he's not into having a serious relationship...translation: just not with you.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think some tough love is needed to put things into perspective. I mean, if Suze Orman can do it with money issues, I can certainly do it with relationship issues! I am by no means an expert but I've learned a lot in dating, friendships and relationships on all levels and I just hope to impart some few kernels of what I think are wisdom. Stuff that I think would have helped me when I was single, younger or trying to balance things.

1) Yes, Virginia, men and women can be friends. Again, it all depends on expectation levels. I have maintained several deep relationships with men over the years, even though I'm married, and yes, even with a few ex-boyfriends. Someone who considers me his sister from another mister is someone I went out with when I was 19. In dog years, that was like a hundred years ago. We can watch sports together, talk about vacations, talk about our significant others (nothing gripey -- that just reeks too much of "emotional cheating," because if I can't tell my husband something...why on earth would I tell my ex-boyfriend from 100 dog years ago?), and talk about our jobs. We can have dinner together, we can have drinks. We truly value each others company. It was one of those things where we made a conscious decision that we loved each other as people, but couldn't last romantically. And out of everyone on earth, besides maybe my parents, my husband is confident that if I'm found lying in a ditch somewhere, that if I was supposed to be at an event with this friend, he knows that he is in that ditch with me, after defending my honor.

2) For those who have not had that experience, again, it's all about expectation. I had a "beneficial" relationship with someone on-and-off for three years almost. I never called him a friend with benefit though. Know why? We weren't friends. Even if we socialized, there was an underlying expectation (that word again) that we'd hook up. Are friends with benefits really "friends?" Or just someone with whom you have a set expectation? My friends would say - hey, at least it's gotta be comforting to know what to expect? And when I wasn't into a serious relationship, it sure was. But it could be confining as well. Sometimes, getting out of a comfort zone and repeating the same mistakes is what you need.

3) What I will tell you is a relationship that opened my eyes. A guy I thought I could and would be friends with. We dated for a few months. Yet, I realized that even though we were close, that he had a job offer in Texas that he was considering taking just to get a fresh start. Translation: without me in it. It hurt, but it made me realize our expectations were completely different. That was when I started to look at things from my life and what I wanted to do to make myself happy. In a loose paraphrase of something I read recently, actress Meredith Baxter related that she was at a point in her life where someone or something couldn't make her happy, she had to look within herself. Once I set expectations for my "me" relationship, it hurt that we wouldn't last but at least I knew it wouldn't.

4) Lastly, all relationships are volatile, as my friend Shoe Diva related today. We've written on Coop Dee Ville even that women can be each others worst enemies at times. I once read a book called Odd Girl Out which chronicled the inner workings of emotional abuse of women on women (even starting in grammar school). My mother would steer me clear of dysfunctional women she knew simply because they were mean and catty and would call their daughters "fat" when my mom would ask how they were doing. Why is it that men and women relationships get the bad rep? In fact, though I have perfectly healthy relationships with women today (Shoe Diva stood up for me at my wedding last year, and well, my coblogger and I, nuff said), the reason why I am so adamant that men and women can be friends is because for years that was all I had. Not to give a deft brush stroke about those behaviors, but I felt like I had more volatile relationships with the women in my life than the men in my life, whether I was romantically involved with them or not. Maybe it was because of expectations we set for ourselves in those relationships. Unfortunately though, sometimes some parties in a relationship want a "mirror," someone who will imitate them and agree with them in any circumstance, even if you want to desperately be honest and tell them they are making a mistake. Which to me, has been a downfall in my relationships personally: I am too damn honest, and sometimes I know it hurts people's feelings. But I know if I am wrong, I am not afraid to apologize. No, Ali McGraw - loves means saying you're sorry, at least sometimes...

So what's my point? Wait, is there one? Of course! Set some expectations for yourself and your relationships, on any level. If either side has differing expectations, no matter what gender, no matter what defined relationship, then you will be doomed unless communication is at the forefront. Even if you are on different pages, you might be in the same chapter. Sometimes, that's good enough.