Empowerment In the Meantime

First I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But I spent so many nights, thinking how you did me wrong. I grew strong. I learned how to carry on. - Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive

I may have sounded like a romantic cynic last week when I did my Valentine's Day piece, or more apt my anti-Valentine's Day piece. It couldn't be further from the truth: I not only believe that romance is still alive and well, but I also believe in true love. I found my true love when I least expected it. The difference between me and most romantic cynics is that I empowered myself to ask, believe and receive. And yes, if that sounds like The Secret mantra, then you would be correct in that assumption.

What I'm writing about today is that I have become concerned about the cynicism and sense of hopelessness from some of my sisters in the love department. And I'd like to empower them in this moment and say that love is out there for all of you, if you want it.

I was once not fully open. I had gotten out of a miserable seven year relationship where we stayed on autopilot for about half those years. I remember someone once saying that it's funny how long we put up with "just okay" because we are comfortable. But what was funny with me was that I knew I didn't love him; I was just okay with it because of what I knew about relationships. They were supposed to be functional; not fun or making yourself better. That's what I've learned about relationships: they are supposed to enhance YOU and not make you a bitter and angry person. That was what I was.

What was more was that after that relationship ended, I felt like I was open to other relationships that could better me, but I still fell into old habits. Former Oprah Winfrey consultant Iyanla Vanzant said that when she left Harpo Productions, and started her own talk show with another company, she said she had a history of falling into relationships with people who treated her badly. When she said that, I felt that connection very deeply. I have been a devout believer in manifesting my feelings, energy and my thoughts into reality. And yet, I fell into similar emotionally unavailable traps with intimate relationships, even friendships.

I dated a few people after that significant relationship ended and prior to me meeting my husband. There were two "biggies" that I refer to in helping my girlfriends out in their relationships that I use as parables and anecdotes to try to help them in knowing that true love is out there for them.

One was a guy who I had an on-and-off, and off-and-on, and on-and-off, then off for a little while, then on-and-off again till I basically met my husband. In his views, we were friends. But here's the thing: we weren't friends. Hell, I'm not even sure we liked each other as people. And yet, I stuck around because I was "in the meantime," as Iyanla would say. "In the meantime" is seen as the period between relationships to help women and men avoid repeating unproductive behaviors of the past.

Another significant person I dated I justified that he fit the "profile." He was smart, handsome, had a good job. He treated me well by taking me out and giving into my ideas for fun. Of course, the story goes when I started to "pressure" him into a more "real" relationship, he shut down. See, when it was all fun and games, the relationship was worth being in. He used the excuse that he was going through a divorce, and yet I lied to myself and went against every single girl's bible He's Just Not That Into You excuses: he'll change and see I'm the one for him. Yet, even when I saw his true colors -- shallow, insecure and disrespectful -- I still made excuses? And you know why? Because I wasn't sure when love was going to knock on my door. That was how desperate I was for love.

Even when he disappeared, returned, and tried to get back in my good graces, I was angry. PISSED OFF. And I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. I remember talking to my friend about it over drinks. Then I smiled to myself, and she asked, "What is it?" I said, "Wow, I realized just how desperate I just sounded." After that, I stopped. I even had lost a few friends in the meantime, but they were mostly toxic relationships or relationships that neither of us really had to offer one another. So my question is: why do we stay in these relationships for too long? Iyanla says it keeps us occupied. It gives us drama. But drama begats drama. And sometimes, the drama simply isn't worth it.

And it's when you least expect it, when you get rid of toxic relationships all around you, be it friendship or love, you will open yourself to being in the relationships you deserve to be in.

So when I see my girlfriends repeating these bad behaviors for themselves, and excusing bad behaviors of others for their own purposes, it makes me so sad. Because I know these fabulous women deserve better for themselves and should be using these lessons as empowerment in life. Once you empower yourself in romance, you will open yourself up to the life you deserve and crave.

So what will it be? Drama? Or happiness? Empower yourself today!

The Hallmark Holiday

I'm going to just come right out and say it: I am NOT a Valentine's Day chick. Maybe when I was a kid I liked it, when you could give those silly little drug store cards to your classmates. And yeah, I admit, the chocolate part is pretty nice.

But I can eat chocolate any damn day of the year I want (well, except for recently but that's besides the point). And I don't have to pay such a high premium simply because they are in a silk box or heart-shaped container.

Yet, most women I know make such a big deal out the day. Nothing against that, but the whole day reeks of insincerity to me. I guess I'm just a cynic. In the popular beach read book, The Nanny Diaries, a few years back described a scene where the aristocratic mother of the child who was the focus of the book found out her husband was cheating on her on Valentine's Day...all after going to great lengths to look breathtakingly stunning and making the nanny call over the island of Manhattan to find a romantic restaurant reservation one week before (shockingly enough, most places were booked for that day, go figure).

Lucky for me, I married a guy who isn't into it either. Last year, we went away for the weekend just coincidentally because it was President's weekend (read: three day weekend). What was funny was the lady at the place we stayed at asked if we wanted to participate in their lovey-dovey prix fixe dinner special for Valentine's Day...and we were both like, Uh...no? We actually had reservations someplace else...that ALSO had a special menu (we were upset since we had no choice in the matter and wanted to try what their website had).

And yet, romance is something that doesn't lack in our relationship. I like that we can fold laundry together and just sit in silence. I like that even though he can barely boil water, he'll still try to help me in the kitchen. Those things to be are incredibly romantic and happen every damn day. In fact, I find it more sincere when the hubs comes home with a bouquet of sunflowers in June, just for the hell of it (plus, I'm not really a roses kind of gal anyway). By the way, one of the best V-Day's I ever had was doing my laundry with my then-significant other. We didn't exactly celebrate it either, but he brought us "magic lemonades" (which was basically spiked Snapple lemonade) and we looked none the lushy to those around us.

So my point is, I was reading some articles on how group buying sites like Groupon and Living Social have figured into the Valentine's Day realm by offering deeply discounted chocolates (damn them when I was on a chocolate fast), romantic dinners for two specifically for the day (I actually just participated in a Yelp promotion for a dinner for two that I will be redeeming for our anniversary...and the fine print said - not redeemable on February 14), and even half-price flowers. And the gist of the article was that the buyer (read: male) had another thing to worry about by going Groupon. After all, would he be considered "cheap" or "spending wisely" by his significant other? Chances are, if they've been together for a while, they'll appreciate each others spending habits and the thought behind the gift anyway.

But the theme of the piece was that when you've been together for a long time, the gift becomes less important. It's the whole "wooing" part of the relationship that you really need to make a difference in what you purchase. Take for instance, in Cincinnati, a big tradition for some folks is going to White Castle, where they actually have to take reservations and eat their sliders by candlelight. I'll tell you what: I think that was possibly the most romantic thing I've ever read in my life. I'd rather do something like that on my anniversary than make my husband dress up (which is a feat in and of itself). Anyway, my point is, why the pressure? It's a made-up holiday to get people to give cards, for crying out loud!

But that begs a good point and why I usually lay up front my whole aversion to the day when I was dating. See, my husband is very anti-tradition, much like me, which is why we're a good match. When I was out and about on the dating scene though in my 20s, I had to put it out there that I didn't like it. Usually, they didn't listen. But they were out the door when they didn't. I hope that doesn't make me sound bitchy. Trust me, there was more underneath the surface, but not listening to my rules on V-Day, you'd think they'd oblige. Anyway, I have some stories that should make you laugh as to why I don't like the day all that much...

1) Back to that whole "wooing" period, I was a freshman in college (read: poor) and I met a guy who worked by the supermarket where I had a part-time job. We started hanging out in January but knew each other before then, plus I liked him. I mean, whatever. He was a boy, and we had fun together which basically consisted of us going to movies together and then to Dunkin Donuts afterwards. Anyway, I didn't want to go all out for Valentine's Day. I knew even then it was a Catch-22: if you went crazy this early in the relationship, you would be seen as "crazy needy chick;" if you didn't acknowledge it all, you are a "crazy selfish bitch." Needless to say, we had plans on the day before...I believe the holiday was on a Friday, so it was plans for a Thursday.

I bought a simple card, that was basically a cutesy funny card that I thought was perfect. Not over the top, not stupid. I put a lot of thought into it SO I wasn't construed as crazy needy chick. But I even was going to give it conditionally: he would have to give me something first, so that I didn't a) look like an idiot giving him something, even just a card and b) I didn't look like crazy needy chick. The other part was if he didn't give me anything, depending on how the night went, I would give it to him as he dropped me off at my dorm. Again, if he just didn't think to do anything, that's fine, but I didn't want to make him feel like a jerk for not getting me at least a card (because I didn't even really care that much about that).

Well, guess what? Not a phone call, not a word from him about our "date." I remember ripping up the card (not that I was that upset, but because I basically didn't want evidence that I even got him anything), and getting drunk with my friend in her room (also dateless). So then I get a call about two weeks later, about how he "got sick" and was out of commission. For what? Two weeks? Unless you were hit by a truck or something, I don't want to hear it.

It may have a 19-year old's overreaction but make no mistake: it left an imprint on my psyche about how much men don't want to give the wrong impression on Valentine's Day, especially if they are not 100% into you or the relationship is still relatively new.

But I wasn't done yet...

2) I was dating a guy for about eight months and make no mistake: we were into each other (him more so than me, but I was a bored 23-year old...don't judge). He asked me if I wanted to do anything for Valentine's Day. He hadn't heard my dislike of the day yet (surprisingly but that's another story). I told him, oh don't make a big deal out of it, flowers really aren't my thing but chocolate is and I can eat it whenever. Anyway, as fate would have it, I had to work late that night so we didn't do anything. So I stopped by his place on my home and guess what? He got me something all right: Balloons.

I. HATE. Balloons. If there's anything I dislike more than Valentine's Day, it's balloons. Getting balloons on Valentine's Day takes the prize. And it's not even that I thought they are thoughtless: I am just afraid of them. When I told my husband this story, he asked, "Did he actually want you to break up with him?" Because even hubs knows, if I am on a train with someone carrying balloons, I have to get off the car. Trust me, I'm bad.

We broke up a month later. I won't disclose if balloons was a reason...but there was a laundry list and that might have broken the list. Just sayin'.

3) A few years, I was in an on-and-off relationship with a guy. During those "off" periods, I'd date, and I managed to make a few good friends with those dates. One guy I dated happened to live on the West Coast, we enjoyed each other's company but knew it couldn't be anything more. That's cool: I was aware of it at least.

Another guy I "saw" during the off-periods was a friend-of-a-friend, actually she used to date HIM and encouraged me to hang out with him because he always thought I was so "cool." Fine. That was another relationship that was better off as friends and we both knew it.

So February 14th rolls around, and who do I hear from? The two guys who were "friends" and not that on-off guy. Did I mention we were back "on" at that point?

Now I know it might seem hypocritical for me to call that "on-off" guy on that behavior, when I didn't even send him a message or anything. Do I need to pull out the "needy crazy chick" card again? Maybe not. But honestly, I wouldn't have even given his non-message a second thought if the two more thoughtful friends of mine who happened to be guys I had dated at one point hadn't reached out either. Maybe they were sending these messages to other chicks, but they sent one to me, and that was all that mattered. See? Valentine's Day is even giving me a reason for WHY people should send me messages...that's bad.

4) This last one isn't even mine, but it's a good one: my friend had met a guy one night when she and I went out drinking. I thought he was nice, and even called her when she had vomited on the side of his car that first night (I can't even use the excuse that we were young...we were in our early 20s, but stuff happens). Anyway, they were seeing each other regularly, and she makes a big deal out of V-Day, buying just little gifts and putting a lot of thought. They had even talked on the phone the day before, solidifying plans for the night, where she had made reservations for a nice-ish restaurant...I mean, we're not talking TGI Friday's...it's a place that needs reservations (and not White Castle...she's a vegetarian).

Short story long, she calls me and says, "I've been trying to call him for the past hour, and no answer. I have a feeling he's not coming."

Me, in the role of "supportive friend," tries to cheer her up. "Don't be silly! He likes you...he's probably on his way right now."

She says, "No, he was supposed to be here already, like a 1/2 hour ago...I might even need to postpone our reservation."

I said, "Well do that -- he might be stuck in traffic..." Yeah right! It was a Sunday night, and preceding a Monday holiday (it was also President's weekend that weekend...I should also mention this was before cell phones were really mainstream so he couldn't even call her to let her know if there was traffic, so it very well could have been a reason).

She said, "Well if he's not here in an hour, I'm going to cancel them and just go into the city."

I said, "What's going on in the city tonight?"

She tells me that not only is her friend's band playing (I'd seen them a couple of times and liked them), but that they were opening for one of HER favorite bands at her favorite club. I was actually surprised she didn't try to get this guy to go with her to that.

I had a great idea. "I don't have a date tonight. Why don't I drive up to your place, which will be in less than an hour. If he's not there 15 minutes after I get there, we go into the city together. If he gets there, and you guys have left, I'll just chalk it up to that I had nothing else going on tonight."

I hung up, and did the drive...I'm sure you can guess. We ended up being each others "dates" and had an awesome night. So I guess there's a silver lining. Charlotte York said it best on Sex and The City when she said that the girls can be each others "soul mates" and men can be just these little play things. I totally got that line.

I know I sound cynical. I know there are going to be some people who vehemently disagree with me and think Valentine's Day is the best thing since heart-shaped chocolate. Well, I will always think heart-shaped chocolate rules the day...but anything chocolate rules to me.

I just think there's an incredible amount of pressure for showing your love for your significant other, or making someone "your Valentine." And for what? So people can complain and be like, "Oh my boyfriend is such an idiot and can't even give me a good Valentine's gift." Or making you feel bad because YOU don't have a significant other, while the person sitting next to your desk is chattering away because she thinks that with the 5 dozen bouquets her boyfriend has sent, she's pretty sure he's going to propose? Oh, gag me with a purple Twinkie. 'Cause let me tell you something: those flowers, those chocolates, those cards? Most of your boyfriends or husbands or significant others are buying them for you at the supermarket 10 minutes before they come home, and barely even read the card...they just want to make sure it doesn't say "Happy Valentine's Day to a Special Grandma" before giving it to you.

Think of that next time you are seeing a guy you like, going insane over setting the tone for the "perfect" card when you don't want to sound like crazy needy chick but don't want to be an insensitive bitch for not getting anything at all. Screw that! Appreciate the little things, ladies, and stop putting pressure on ourselves to outdo the whole Valentine's Day scam.

Oh and waiter...my husband and I would like a 20-pack of sliders, half French fries, half onion rings, two cherry cokes. Kthxbye. Love, the Coop

Love Connection Pioneers

I remember watching that awfully cheddarific show in the '80s when I was a kid, Love Connection, with your host, Chuck Woolery!

Yes, that was the tag line. I was just watching some old YouTube clips with that show, and I think that today we enjoy that voyeurism just as much. Look at shows like The Bachelor and even those television shows that add absolutely nothing to culture, like Flavor of Love or Rock of Love on VH-1. They showcase these love connections, and make light of the awkwardness that is dating.

When I was a swinging single, I wasn't a good dater per se. I went on dates, but I was a serial relationship-ist. I had no problem meeting people in the outside world, but I also often thought there was a stigma attached to meeting people online, especially love connections. There seemed to be this creepy pervasive element. When people having home computers and the Internet became more mainstream, it became evident that this was merely an evolutionary tactic for people to meet eventually face-to-face and to bring populations closer together.

Prior to meeting my husband, I dabbled in sites like E-Harmony and Match. I really felt like I was better meeting people on my own, outside of the computer screen. To each their own though. I met lots of folks on these sites, people I am friends with to this day, and I feel like these sites really harp on the whole "mind" connection as opposed to being attracted to someone. Not to say that it didn't work a bit. But I will say that some lasting friendships have occurred since.

Today, an article caught my attention on CNBC, "Social Media Sites May Be Ready For Romance." It basically stated that people who get involved in sites like Facebook and Twitter often do so to make friendship connections. To me, though, it seems like a natural evolutionary process to connect friendship with romance on these sites. After all, I did it.

I started blogging years ago on baseball, and I met lots of friends through it. I expected that though. My husband and I met because we were both passionate fans of the same team, and like each other's writing. When we became friends on Facebook, it was a natural progression that we'd be friends in real life and not just one of those "Facebook only" relationships.

But if someone had told me I'd get a husband out of it, I'd have told them they dang lost their minds!

This is just a natural progression of social media. Of course, it would be only natural that it would pervade our romantic lives as well. It also takes away the whole attachment of these pay sites that may or may not give you a suitable love connection. In fact, a lawsuit was brought against Match a few years ago about the fact that some of the recommendations for dating were inactive profiles. I knew this on both ends: I was getting emails from them, saying that someone wanted to meet me, when I knew my profile wasn't active. Well, no kidding! They wanted me to sign up again and get my fees. But it had not occurred to me that there was someone else, a living and breathing person who may have shown interest that wasn't getting a response. I know I had that problem too when I saw someone who I actually knew in real life (sorta) who was engaged! His profile was still seen by other singles, but I had to inform him that his profile was still up! Needless to say he was mortified (and no, he did not meet his wife on there, natch).

When people ask me about how my husband and I met, I am a little proud of our story. We became friends through shared interests, then really became "interested" in one other...now I not only met my best friend, but I got a husband out of it too. I'd like to think we are pioneers in the next generation of love connections! Save the mullets, aqua net and bad '80s clothing.

The Google Effect

It's no big mystery that we live in a society predicated on instant gratification.  Some call it the "Google Effect" -- you get an idea, you need an answer and bam! you get one.  Couldn't be any easier, right?  So easy, in fact, that you could just hear contestants' phone-a-friends on the game show "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" punching away at the keys, in the hopes of finding the answer in less than the allotted 30 seconds.  Now, imagine what would happen if Google failed them?

Everything has a sense of urgency.  When we need something right now, we really needed it yesterday.  It's not only when money is involved that we become irritated and aggravated at these failed attempts to get what we want and need.  It's within our relationships and careers that we may also lose control.  Add all this to an already unhappy person, and don't be surprised if it feels like World War III is about to commence.

Today's world has advanced so much that we rely on it, rather than ourselves, to be happy.  The problem is that these advances are not in direct relation to our expectations.  Our expectations far exceed these advances, and we expect -- and even demand -- more than we are capable of obtaining.  Our expectations can then seem totally unrealistic, in terms of turnaround time and what it is we even want!

This life has become all about what makes us happy in the now.  We don't consider the future or how our decisions now will affect us longterm.  We are selfish, impatient and flat-out rude when we don't get what we want.  We see someone else with something and we have to have it.  And there is no such thing as will-power and not giving into temptation anymore.

So what does this have to do with technology, you ask?  Just look around. Everywhere I turn, I see people with smart phones permanantly fixated to their hands.  We, as a collective society, just can't not be connected.  Funny thing is, no one is using their phone to make actual calls.  E-mails and text messages and Facebook comments -- that is how we are staying connected to our friends and family these days.  And boy, can we multi-task!  What happened to the personal touch?  What happened to real-live, human interaction?

I often wonder, were we not so technologically advanced, would we expect so much out of other aspects of our lives, not related to business, education, and medicine?  You know, the things that should really matter, like family, friends and religion?  Would life be good enough for us without technology?

Sorry, but Google does not have the answer to that one.  You'll have to come up with that one on your own.