That meant, I have no brothers or sisters. Turns out I found a kindred spirit in Dee, in that she is also "une fille unique." (And no, I don't know what the term is for boys...maybe homme unique?)
Growing up in the suburbs in the '80s, and I'm sure Dee can relate, baby boomers were trained to have large families. Today, with Generation Xers starting families, big families are not necessarily better in their views. Needless to say, growing up, Dee and I were indeed "unique" in not having at least one sibling, especially in the towns in which we grew up.
This could pose issues in some respects. One is socialization. I can speak for myself when I say that I was socialized with adults and learned to please my elders at a very early age. When it came time for school, I never had any friends my own age (it wasn't until I was older that I started to have friends of all ages, all walks of life). I remember being in second grade and being thought "weird" that I did not have any brothers or sisters. Then again, my play dates' parents all loved me because I was a little suck up who learned to please adults at a young age.
There were also other people's perceptions of what an only child is, or stereotypes behind it.
If you're an only child, you're SPOILED.
I have nothing to compare it to, but I can say I was raised with an independent spirit that my parents nurtured (especially my mother, who proudly told other parents that me saying NO was expressing my individuality).
That's what DEE said: Right away, people think you are/were spoiled. And maybe I was a little bit. But it wasn’t because I was an only child. My parents would have treated me – and any other children – the same way they did, no matter how many of us there would have been.
The special part is who you become as a result of being the lone offspring of the family, Dee relates. Only children, while definitely feeling a void in their lives at times, tend to be stronger and more in touch with their own selves. At least, they should be.
So there’s no one to blame for the vase that YOU broke. There’s also no one to have to share your clothes and toys with. But once you get past a certain age, those things -- spoiled or not -- don’t matter anymore.
View from the COOP: If cultivating our personality and not just TELLING us we are unique (like everyone else, ha ha), perhaps parents of only children are able to nurture those personalities more so with attention. So if that means we're "spoiled," so be it. However, being spoiled is technically interchangeable with getting lots of "stuff." Dee and I can both attest that anything we have, we've earned. That we can blame on our individualistic personalities.
We don't like to share or play well with others.
That's a gigantic crock. This is quite possibly the biggest misconception of only children. Dee and I may be the only offspring in our immediate family, but our extended families are quite sizable. Hello, our mothers are Italian-American: a big family is usually the rigeur du jour in that culture! So we have a ton of cousins. We were never at a loss for events to share. In fact, I remember some little girl I wasn't even friends with lost one of my dolls in the ocean when I was four after allowing her to play with it. My mother was the one who told me that I needed to be more selective in who I allowed to share my toys. Maybe we were too nice, that people would take advantage of us.
That's what DEE said: I was once told by an ex co-worker – after not offering her a stick of gum – that I don’t know how to share because I am an only child and never learned how. Um, did you ever think that maybe I just didn’t like you?
So there’s no one to blame for the vase that YOU broke. There’s also no one to have to share your clothes and toys with. But once you get past a certain age, those things -- spoiled or not -- don’t matter anymore.
View from the COOP: If cultivating our personality and not just TELLING us we are unique (like everyone else, ha ha), perhaps parents of only children are able to nurture those personalities more so with attention. So if that means we're "spoiled," so be it. However, being spoiled is technically interchangeable with getting lots of "stuff." Dee and I can both attest that anything we have, we've earned. That we can blame on our individualistic personalities.
We don't like to share or play well with others.
That's a gigantic crock. This is quite possibly the biggest misconception of only children. Dee and I may be the only offspring in our immediate family, but our extended families are quite sizable. Hello, our mothers are Italian-American: a big family is usually the rigeur du jour in that culture! So we have a ton of cousins. We were never at a loss for events to share. In fact, I remember some little girl I wasn't even friends with lost one of my dolls in the ocean when I was four after allowing her to play with it. My mother was the one who told me that I needed to be more selective in who I allowed to share my toys. Maybe we were too nice, that people would take advantage of us.
That's what DEE said: I was once told by an ex co-worker – after not offering her a stick of gum – that I don’t know how to share because I am an only child and never learned how. Um, did you ever think that maybe I just didn’t like you?
Maybe it’s not that only children are spoiled and "don’t know how to share." Maybe they just want what they want, and want to hold on to what they have, because they fear it’s all they’re ever going to have. And it's subconsciously that we do it. Of course, the gum now becomes symbolic here. But I think you get my drift.
View from the COOP: I don't know why only children get pigeonholed like that. Perhaps it's because we are not born with that innate relationship or built-in "sibling rivalry". However, if what Dee says above is true -- that we want what we want and want to hold on to what we have -- sounds to me like a PEOPLE thing, regardless of birth order or how many siblings one has.
Lastly, there is something that Dee and I have talked about ad nauseum in the tenure of our friendship, and has been reiterated over the years:
You must have been really lonely growing up with no brothers or sisters.
This is a convoluted message. There may have been times, personally, I wished to have those built-in relationships, and even as an adult, I can say it's a "relationship" thing. However, I had nothing else to compare it to. Well, maybe I could listen to my mom talk about how loud her house always was, and the nightmarish wait for the bathroom, and be thankful for the fact we had two bathrooms between the the two of us and the quiet nights to do my homework.
I can say there have been times I've felt alone, and well, quite frankly, who hasn't in this life? On the flip side, I can say I rarely get lonely, and that only children as a rule of thumb, tend to handle the "alone time" better than others who may have been surrounded by family members for as long as they remember.
On the flip side, craving relationships -- friendship, intimate, acquaintances, even familial relationships -- is something Dee and I have talked about in our many heart-to-hearts. There are times both of us have experienced relationships that we may be afraid of letting go. Now, this, THIS I wonder if this is something only children experience as a general rule.
Dee openly wondered if the void and fear an only child may experience influence their choices when it comes to relationships? Do we look for more because we lack it elsewhere? Or do we look for less because we don’t know any better?
I can say this: I think that's a human quality, and what human doesn't crave relationships or isn't afraid to lose people who may bring something to the proverbial table? However, perhaps because we didn't have that innate quality to break loose from toxic relationships. That could be based on anything, though. However, I've experienced almost the opposite. I've pushed people away because I'm so ingrained with "I can do it myself, dammit," which I blame COMPLETELY on my status as an only child.
There's a great episode of Sex and the City where the girls are discussing over brunch how "cute" firemen are. Charlotte then makes the observation that "Women just want to be rescued." The four women prided themselves on being strong, independent women who found their strength with their careers and one another. However, Miranda, the prototypical woman who wanted to be in charge, had surgery and realized that she needed help afterwards, and her "not-quite-yet" boyfriend was willing to help.
I had a similar experience. Earlier this year, I had minor outpatient surgery, and the staff neglected to tell me I needed someone to "escort" me home. I am from New York City, babe, we have cabs and buses. I don't drive here. However, my now-husband offered earlier to escort me to and from the hospital, and I had turned him down. My independence and strong sense of self made me think I could do everything on my own, and not accept help when I actually did need it.
That's what DEE said: You take your happiness from wherever you can get it, even if it means making wrong decisions and doing wrong things. Only children may feel slighted and have this type of mentality. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule ... but ... who made the rules up anyway?
And the View from the COOP? There are several misconceptions about any person depending on their birth order (middle child syndrome, anyone?), your appearance (dumb blonde? I hate that especially, because as a blonde I am not dumb, but I am also not blonde), your speech (southern accents = uneducated redneck?). However, why only children get a bum rap is beyond me. We are ambitious, driven, independent, get along with all walks of life and work just as hard if not more than people with a single sibling or 19, like that family in Arkansas.
Only children, the lonely children? Not so. It's brought us a bond with other only children, that we may feel alone at times, but we'll never be lonely in this world in the relationships we choose.
View from the COOP: I don't know why only children get pigeonholed like that. Perhaps it's because we are not born with that innate relationship or built-in "sibling rivalry". However, if what Dee says above is true -- that we want what we want and want to hold on to what we have -- sounds to me like a PEOPLE thing, regardless of birth order or how many siblings one has.
Lastly, there is something that Dee and I have talked about ad nauseum in the tenure of our friendship, and has been reiterated over the years:
You must have been really lonely growing up with no brothers or sisters.
This is a convoluted message. There may have been times, personally, I wished to have those built-in relationships, and even as an adult, I can say it's a "relationship" thing. However, I had nothing else to compare it to. Well, maybe I could listen to my mom talk about how loud her house always was, and the nightmarish wait for the bathroom, and be thankful for the fact we had two bathrooms between the the two of us and the quiet nights to do my homework.
I can say there have been times I've felt alone, and well, quite frankly, who hasn't in this life? On the flip side, I can say I rarely get lonely, and that only children as a rule of thumb, tend to handle the "alone time" better than others who may have been surrounded by family members for as long as they remember.
On the flip side, craving relationships -- friendship, intimate, acquaintances, even familial relationships -- is something Dee and I have talked about in our many heart-to-hearts. There are times both of us have experienced relationships that we may be afraid of letting go. Now, this, THIS I wonder if this is something only children experience as a general rule.
Dee openly wondered if the void and fear an only child may experience influence their choices when it comes to relationships? Do we look for more because we lack it elsewhere? Or do we look for less because we don’t know any better?
I can say this: I think that's a human quality, and what human doesn't crave relationships or isn't afraid to lose people who may bring something to the proverbial table? However, perhaps because we didn't have that innate quality to break loose from toxic relationships. That could be based on anything, though. However, I've experienced almost the opposite. I've pushed people away because I'm so ingrained with "I can do it myself, dammit," which I blame COMPLETELY on my status as an only child.
There's a great episode of Sex and the City where the girls are discussing over brunch how "cute" firemen are. Charlotte then makes the observation that "Women just want to be rescued." The four women prided themselves on being strong, independent women who found their strength with their careers and one another. However, Miranda, the prototypical woman who wanted to be in charge, had surgery and realized that she needed help afterwards, and her "not-quite-yet" boyfriend was willing to help.
I had a similar experience. Earlier this year, I had minor outpatient surgery, and the staff neglected to tell me I needed someone to "escort" me home. I am from New York City, babe, we have cabs and buses. I don't drive here. However, my now-husband offered earlier to escort me to and from the hospital, and I had turned him down. My independence and strong sense of self made me think I could do everything on my own, and not accept help when I actually did need it.
That's what DEE said: You take your happiness from wherever you can get it, even if it means making wrong decisions and doing wrong things. Only children may feel slighted and have this type of mentality. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule ... but ... who made the rules up anyway?
And the View from the COOP? There are several misconceptions about any person depending on their birth order (middle child syndrome, anyone?), your appearance (dumb blonde? I hate that especially, because as a blonde I am not dumb, but I am also not blonde), your speech (southern accents = uneducated redneck?). However, why only children get a bum rap is beyond me. We are ambitious, driven, independent, get along with all walks of life and work just as hard if not more than people with a single sibling or 19, like that family in Arkansas.
Only children, the lonely children? Not so. It's brought us a bond with other only children, that we may feel alone at times, but we'll never be lonely in this world in the relationships we choose.
The term for only boy would be un fils
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